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magog_83Wordcount: 1,798
Rating: G
Warnings: None. Just silly crack.
Summary: Merlin makes a brief induction video for new knights of Camelot and it is the best induction video EVER. Set in Pudsey!AU Camelot (this is probably my Camelot FM verse in the future!) where there are televisions and video cameras.
A/N: So yesterday I started my new part time job and had to sit through four riveting training videos. Fortunately a plot bunny bit me during training video no.3. The rest I blame on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
a8c_sock who encouraged the madness and then read this through for me <3
Sir Kevin didn’t know what he’d expected on his first day as a Knight of Camelot, but it certainly wasn’t to be sent to a room with three other recent appointees and told he had to sit through a training video.
“I’ve never heard of such a thing!” one of the other starters, Sir Brian, said in outrage as he took a seat on the first bench. There was a radio playing softly in the background, Sir Kevin thought he recognised ‘Hern the Hunter’ though it sounded a bit different played on the panpipes.
Sir Marmaduke leaned forward from his seat on the second bench, sounding very knowledgeable about the whole thing. “I understand this is all quite new. Some sort of innovation by the Court Sorcerer I was told. He was the one who persuaded the King to allow it.”
“With sorcery?” interrupted Sir Lucien, shocked.
Sir Marmaduke looked rather uneasy at the accusation which Sir Kevin, quite frankly, found a little unlikely anyway. He’d only seen the Court Sorcerer twice since his arrival at the castle. Once when he’d been running for a council meeting that had started some ten minutes before and again when he’d handed out their ‘Welcome Packs’ which included an enchanted map of the castle that plotted your route, a guide to the best taverns in the town and an invitation to a guided tour of the citadel and outbuildings on Thursday with someone called Geoffrey (lunch would be provided). Thankfully they were saved from any potentially treasonous speculation on the subject by the entry of Sir Leon, wheeling in a large television on a stand. Plugging it in and finding the video channel took quite some time, and Sir Kevin (whose uncle owned just such a machine) was eventually moved to help.
Finally they were ready to go and Sir Leon stood back, fiddling with the remote control until the black screen came to life with a flash of colour and an extremely loud voice saying “—you just press the— Oops. I think it’s working.”
Sir Kevin exchanged a look with Sir Marmaduke as he returned to his seat and Sir Leon beat a quick retreat from the ‘Training Room’, just in time for the picture to settle on a young man he immediately recognised as the renowned Court Sorcerer, Merlin, backing hastily into shot and nearly falling over a table.
“Hello!” Merlin said brightly when he had righted himself, beaming out of the screen. “Welcome to the induction video for the new Knights of Camelot. My name is Merlin and I’ll be your guide for the next few minutes. Now if there’s one thing I ought to tell you before we even begin, it’s—”
The image of Merlin cut out abruptly and Sir Kevin and his fellow knights were treated to long and painful seconds of what appeared to be a wobbly video montage of the knights of Camelot at work, ranging from sword practice to King Arthur taking off his shirt (in slow motion) – all set to the kind of jaunty tune Sir Kevin associated with jugglers at the fair. It finally ended – frozen on an image of the King’s left nostril and with the words Welcome to Camelot! scrawled across the screen – only to cut back to Merlin in the middle of a sentence. “—always say. So if you remember that, you won’t go far wrong!”
“I didn’t hear what he said?” said Sir Brian anxiously. “Did anyone catch...?”
But Merlin was speaking again. “Now, let’s meet some of the team shall we?”
The picture cut to the stables where Sir Leon was standing awkwardly with his back to the camera pretending to groom his horse. Sir Kevin could see he was only pretending because he appeared to be holding a washcloth. There was a pointed clearing of the throat off camera and Sir Leon turned, affecting great surprise. “Oh! Hello there. I’m Sir Leon and I lead most of the morning practices these days so I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.” His voice suddenly dropped to a whisper, “Was that all right, I—”
The picture changed again to the famous Sir Gwaine standing in a sunlit meadow with a surprising amount of wind blowing his hair (it looked to be a perfect summer’s day after all). “And I’m Gwaine. I’m in charge of patrols and I happen to know the best taverns in the lower town too!” He gave a roguish wink to camera. “I look forward to meeting and drinking with you all.”
The camera swung away and Sir Kevin caught a close up of Merlin’s tongue caught between his teeth before the picture changed once more (Sir Kevin was beginning to feel seasick) and Sir Lancelot hove into view, slightly out of focus and half out of shot, smiling fixedly. He continued to smile until Merlin’s carrying whisper of ’Action!’ was heard. “I’m Sir Lancelot,” he said loudly, “I’m his Majesty’s first Knight and I’m happy to welcome you to the Castle.” He smiled again, fidgeting slightly.
“Say the bit about the griffin,” came Merlin’s stage whisper.
“I am not saying that, you’re not making Gwaine talk about the bandit camp!”
“I know, but that wasn’t with magic. This is going to lead in to my next bit.”
Sir Lancelot looked embarrassed, but nonetheless added dutifully, “When I first came to Camelot, I slew a griffin, ridding the land of a terrible... er, beast.”
Then Sir Lancelot was gone and the picture shifted to Merlin in a long corridor, walking towards the camera as it moved backwards away from him, wobbling as it went. “Now you are probably thinking, how could a knight – even one as brave and handsome as Sir Lancelot – kill a griffin?”
Actually Sir Kevin was wondering if he might lay his head down on the table until his head stopped spinning.
“That’s where your secret weapon comes in...” Merlin made a complicated gesture with his hand and with a flash and a bang the tapestry nearest him caught fire, causing whoever was holding the camera to shriek in surprise and hiss, “Merlin!”
There was some confusion then, and someone called Gwen sounded extremely exasperated, but eventually Merlin was back and looking rather sheepish. “Normally that doesn’t happen. I was just a bit nervous.” He waved away some residual smoke. “As I was saying, you have a secret weapon. Namely, magic!”
Another flash and Merlin was standing in a cluttered workroom, a cauldron bubbling over the fire behind him and a white haired old man working beside him who said, “Magic, you say?” in the tone of one who could not believe the words were passing his lips.
Merlin did not seem at all discomposed. “That’s right, Gaius. Thanks to Gaius’s research, my natural abilities and all of you of course, Camelot is better guarded than ever from both magic and non-magic foes. Of course, it can be hard to know when magic is needed and when you can just kill it with an axe, so it’s important to remember the magic motto – if in doubt, give Merlin a shout!”
The old man stopped stirring the small pot on the table and raised an eyebrow, as though in disbelief. ”That’s your motto?”
Merlin went red but otherwise ignored him in favour of walking slowly across the room (although he had to stop and back up a bit to let the camera catch up). “There’s no shame in asking for help of course. Even the King has used magic on many an occasion.” The screen fizzed for several seconds and then reformed to show King Arthur himself sitting at a table in just a shirt and breeches, apparently in the middle of his dinner. “Isn’t that so, your Majesty?”
“What?” said his Majesty crossly. “What are you talking about? Why is there a camera in my—”
“Just say yes,” Merlin whispered loudly.
“Absolutely not. I refuse to agree to anything until I know what it is. I remember what happened last—”
With a violent wobble the screen went black, cutting off the King mid-sentence and causing all the knights watching to exchange worried looks, even Sir Kevin who had seen the King in good health only that morning. Then again he supposed enchantments worked in insidious and subtle ways.
Before he could voice the thought aloud however, the picture was back and this time the King was standing by his table, looking flushed and rather dazed with his shirt unlaced and his hair looking like it had been caught in a strong wind, or possibly a hedge. “Uh... Yes, magic has been a great help to my kingdom.”
“Dear gods!” said Sir Lucien. “He has used his magic upon the King to force his hand!”
There were shocked murmurs of agreement, even from Sir Kevin who hadn’t thought the Court Sorcerer capable of such an act.
On screen, the King took a step back and sat down rather quickly, and the picture cut again to Merlin in the bright courtyard with Sir Lancelot, Sir Leon and Sir Gwaine ranged beside him. “There you have it! From the King himself. So remember, enjoy your time here in Camelot and if in doubt...”
He paused expectantly. It turned out to be quite a long pause as the three knights evidently hadn’t been let in on the Magic Motto yet.
“Er... fetch Gaius?” said Sir Leon hesitantly, when Merlin widened his eyes at him meaningfully.
“No!” said Merlin, sounding most put out. “It’s supposed to be ‘give Merlin a shout’ – it’s the motto! I told you.”
“Oh, right. Sorry about that,” said Sir Leon, still looking confused.
“If you’d followed my suggestion and made up a jingle for it, we’d probably remember,” Sir Gwaine put in helpfully.
Merlin glared at the lot of them (even Sir Lancelot, who was smiling fixedly at the camera again). “Now you’ve gone and ruined the end! The script clearly said—”
Sir Kevin would never know what the script clearly said because he and his new colleagues were suddenly treated to another half minute of the awful montage from earlier, except this time it continued on past the King’s nostril to a final shot of Merlin at the castle entrance, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up shortly before he almost got run over by a passing cart. In the split second before the picture cut out, Sir Kevin caught a glimpse of the moat, Merlin’s elbow and a worried guard rushing forward, then darkness, followed by WELCOME TO CAMELOT – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE scrolling across the screen in flashing capital letters.
As blessed silence finally fell upon the room, Sir Kevin reflected that never before had such friendly words seemed quite so ominous.
The End.
Rating: G
Warnings: None. Just silly crack.
Summary: Merlin makes a brief induction video for new knights of Camelot and it is the best induction video EVER. Set in Pudsey!AU Camelot (this is probably my Camelot FM verse in the future!) where there are televisions and video cameras.
A/N: So yesterday I started my new part time job and had to sit through four riveting training videos. Fortunately a plot bunny bit me during training video no.3. The rest I blame on
a8c_sock who encouraged the madness and then read this through for me <3Sir Kevin didn’t know what he’d expected on his first day as a Knight of Camelot, but it certainly wasn’t to be sent to a room with three other recent appointees and told he had to sit through a training video.
“I’ve never heard of such a thing!” one of the other starters, Sir Brian, said in outrage as he took a seat on the first bench. There was a radio playing softly in the background, Sir Kevin thought he recognised ‘Hern the Hunter’ though it sounded a bit different played on the panpipes.
Sir Marmaduke leaned forward from his seat on the second bench, sounding very knowledgeable about the whole thing. “I understand this is all quite new. Some sort of innovation by the Court Sorcerer I was told. He was the one who persuaded the King to allow it.”
“With sorcery?” interrupted Sir Lucien, shocked.
Sir Marmaduke looked rather uneasy at the accusation which Sir Kevin, quite frankly, found a little unlikely anyway. He’d only seen the Court Sorcerer twice since his arrival at the castle. Once when he’d been running for a council meeting that had started some ten minutes before and again when he’d handed out their ‘Welcome Packs’ which included an enchanted map of the castle that plotted your route, a guide to the best taverns in the town and an invitation to a guided tour of the citadel and outbuildings on Thursday with someone called Geoffrey (lunch would be provided). Thankfully they were saved from any potentially treasonous speculation on the subject by the entry of Sir Leon, wheeling in a large television on a stand. Plugging it in and finding the video channel took quite some time, and Sir Kevin (whose uncle owned just such a machine) was eventually moved to help.
Finally they were ready to go and Sir Leon stood back, fiddling with the remote control until the black screen came to life with a flash of colour and an extremely loud voice saying “—you just press the— Oops. I think it’s working.”
Sir Kevin exchanged a look with Sir Marmaduke as he returned to his seat and Sir Leon beat a quick retreat from the ‘Training Room’, just in time for the picture to settle on a young man he immediately recognised as the renowned Court Sorcerer, Merlin, backing hastily into shot and nearly falling over a table.
“Hello!” Merlin said brightly when he had righted himself, beaming out of the screen. “Welcome to the induction video for the new Knights of Camelot. My name is Merlin and I’ll be your guide for the next few minutes. Now if there’s one thing I ought to tell you before we even begin, it’s—”
The image of Merlin cut out abruptly and Sir Kevin and his fellow knights were treated to long and painful seconds of what appeared to be a wobbly video montage of the knights of Camelot at work, ranging from sword practice to King Arthur taking off his shirt (in slow motion) – all set to the kind of jaunty tune Sir Kevin associated with jugglers at the fair. It finally ended – frozen on an image of the King’s left nostril and with the words Welcome to Camelot! scrawled across the screen – only to cut back to Merlin in the middle of a sentence. “—always say. So if you remember that, you won’t go far wrong!”
“I didn’t hear what he said?” said Sir Brian anxiously. “Did anyone catch...?”
But Merlin was speaking again. “Now, let’s meet some of the team shall we?”
The picture cut to the stables where Sir Leon was standing awkwardly with his back to the camera pretending to groom his horse. Sir Kevin could see he was only pretending because he appeared to be holding a washcloth. There was a pointed clearing of the throat off camera and Sir Leon turned, affecting great surprise. “Oh! Hello there. I’m Sir Leon and I lead most of the morning practices these days so I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.” His voice suddenly dropped to a whisper, “Was that all right, I—”
The picture changed again to the famous Sir Gwaine standing in a sunlit meadow with a surprising amount of wind blowing his hair (it looked to be a perfect summer’s day after all). “And I’m Gwaine. I’m in charge of patrols and I happen to know the best taverns in the lower town too!” He gave a roguish wink to camera. “I look forward to meeting and drinking with you all.”
The camera swung away and Sir Kevin caught a close up of Merlin’s tongue caught between his teeth before the picture changed once more (Sir Kevin was beginning to feel seasick) and Sir Lancelot hove into view, slightly out of focus and half out of shot, smiling fixedly. He continued to smile until Merlin’s carrying whisper of ’Action!’ was heard. “I’m Sir Lancelot,” he said loudly, “I’m his Majesty’s first Knight and I’m happy to welcome you to the Castle.” He smiled again, fidgeting slightly.
“Say the bit about the griffin,” came Merlin’s stage whisper.
“I am not saying that, you’re not making Gwaine talk about the bandit camp!”
“I know, but that wasn’t with magic. This is going to lead in to my next bit.”
Sir Lancelot looked embarrassed, but nonetheless added dutifully, “When I first came to Camelot, I slew a griffin, ridding the land of a terrible... er, beast.”
Then Sir Lancelot was gone and the picture shifted to Merlin in a long corridor, walking towards the camera as it moved backwards away from him, wobbling as it went. “Now you are probably thinking, how could a knight – even one as brave and handsome as Sir Lancelot – kill a griffin?”
Actually Sir Kevin was wondering if he might lay his head down on the table until his head stopped spinning.
“That’s where your secret weapon comes in...” Merlin made a complicated gesture with his hand and with a flash and a bang the tapestry nearest him caught fire, causing whoever was holding the camera to shriek in surprise and hiss, “Merlin!”
There was some confusion then, and someone called Gwen sounded extremely exasperated, but eventually Merlin was back and looking rather sheepish. “Normally that doesn’t happen. I was just a bit nervous.” He waved away some residual smoke. “As I was saying, you have a secret weapon. Namely, magic!”
Another flash and Merlin was standing in a cluttered workroom, a cauldron bubbling over the fire behind him and a white haired old man working beside him who said, “Magic, you say?” in the tone of one who could not believe the words were passing his lips.
Merlin did not seem at all discomposed. “That’s right, Gaius. Thanks to Gaius’s research, my natural abilities and all of you of course, Camelot is better guarded than ever from both magic and non-magic foes. Of course, it can be hard to know when magic is needed and when you can just kill it with an axe, so it’s important to remember the magic motto – if in doubt, give Merlin a shout!”
The old man stopped stirring the small pot on the table and raised an eyebrow, as though in disbelief. ”That’s your motto?”
Merlin went red but otherwise ignored him in favour of walking slowly across the room (although he had to stop and back up a bit to let the camera catch up). “There’s no shame in asking for help of course. Even the King has used magic on many an occasion.” The screen fizzed for several seconds and then reformed to show King Arthur himself sitting at a table in just a shirt and breeches, apparently in the middle of his dinner. “Isn’t that so, your Majesty?”
“What?” said his Majesty crossly. “What are you talking about? Why is there a camera in my—”
“Just say yes,” Merlin whispered loudly.
“Absolutely not. I refuse to agree to anything until I know what it is. I remember what happened last—”
With a violent wobble the screen went black, cutting off the King mid-sentence and causing all the knights watching to exchange worried looks, even Sir Kevin who had seen the King in good health only that morning. Then again he supposed enchantments worked in insidious and subtle ways.
Before he could voice the thought aloud however, the picture was back and this time the King was standing by his table, looking flushed and rather dazed with his shirt unlaced and his hair looking like it had been caught in a strong wind, or possibly a hedge. “Uh... Yes, magic has been a great help to my kingdom.”
“Dear gods!” said Sir Lucien. “He has used his magic upon the King to force his hand!”
There were shocked murmurs of agreement, even from Sir Kevin who hadn’t thought the Court Sorcerer capable of such an act.
On screen, the King took a step back and sat down rather quickly, and the picture cut again to Merlin in the bright courtyard with Sir Lancelot, Sir Leon and Sir Gwaine ranged beside him. “There you have it! From the King himself. So remember, enjoy your time here in Camelot and if in doubt...”
He paused expectantly. It turned out to be quite a long pause as the three knights evidently hadn’t been let in on the Magic Motto yet.
“Er... fetch Gaius?” said Sir Leon hesitantly, when Merlin widened his eyes at him meaningfully.
“No!” said Merlin, sounding most put out. “It’s supposed to be ‘give Merlin a shout’ – it’s the motto! I told you.”
“Oh, right. Sorry about that,” said Sir Leon, still looking confused.
“If you’d followed my suggestion and made up a jingle for it, we’d probably remember,” Sir Gwaine put in helpfully.
Merlin glared at the lot of them (even Sir Lancelot, who was smiling fixedly at the camera again). “Now you’ve gone and ruined the end! The script clearly said—”
Sir Kevin would never know what the script clearly said because he and his new colleagues were suddenly treated to another half minute of the awful montage from earlier, except this time it continued on past the King’s nostril to a final shot of Merlin at the castle entrance, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up shortly before he almost got run over by a passing cart. In the split second before the picture cut out, Sir Kevin caught a glimpse of the moat, Merlin’s elbow and a worried guard rushing forward, then darkness, followed by WELCOME TO CAMELOT – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE scrolling across the screen in flashing capital letters.
As blessed silence finally fell upon the room, Sir Kevin reflected that never before had such friendly words seemed quite so ominous.
The End.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-05-08 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-08 09:02 pm (UTC)I do love it form Sir Kevin to Leon and the washvloth, Gwaine in a meadow and Lancelot beig modest.
And then of course Arthur persuaded by *cough*sorcery*cough*
BRILLIANT.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-08 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 12:02 am (UTC)Haha -- so true on the "Welcome to Camelot -- You'll never leave"...after that training video, those words definitely sound ominous. :p Poor knights. ;)
no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 08:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 12:38 pm (UTC)I love the motto by the way! It totally rocks and so didn't warrant Gaius' eyebrow :D!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 01:30 pm (UTC)I don't know which was better, the bad camera handling, the part were the important piece of advice was replaced with music and Arthur's nostril or how everyone acted different while filmed. And was still so very much themselves I experienced second hand embarressement. Those poor knights.
I mean, OMG, when in doubt fetch Gaius = pure brilliance!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 02:34 pm (UTC)I guess Merlin doesn't quite get the hang of video editing, huh. How did he even convince the knights to go along with it? Well, of course Gwaine doesn't need convincing. It's brilliant how they were all different in front of the camera--with Leon being totally unconvincing, Gwaine being a natural (complete with wind-blown hair! I bet he made Merlin promise that), and Lancelot not quite knowing what to do. I love all of Merlin's whispered instructions. *pinches his cheeks* Also yey for off-cam sexytimes!!
no subject
Date: 2011-05-09 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-10 10:27 pm (UTC)I can't stop giggling. Leon, you were born a superstar! 8D I can for some reason see this so clearly in my head. XD
no subject
Date: 2011-05-13 11:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-19 01:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-31 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-02 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-07 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-10 08:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-06-14 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-08-26 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-08-27 09:49 am (UTC)http://magog-83.livejournal.com/14398.html
then the sequel http://magog-83.livejournal.com/48008.html
:D